Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You need a sexual gate keeper
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
