i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
