If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Randomize
