I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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