That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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