Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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