so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
