you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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