he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
