If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
