So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
