Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
