My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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