You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
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Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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