Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
i need some magic done to my vagina
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
