That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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