Tell her she can't have a vagina
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
