david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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