If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
