If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
someone owes me an orgasm
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Randomize
