i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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