Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
