Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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