break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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