Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
