so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
