dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
