apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
