Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
