There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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