i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
