someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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