Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
