I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
