i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
