party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
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