dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
