hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
