Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
