I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
