i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize