I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
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