my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
