One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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