By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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