I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
