It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
