nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
