I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
