If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
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