got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
