Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
