the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
