Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
