listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
