Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
