im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...