Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Randomize
