You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
