my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
